me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
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I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Dietest Coke
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.