@girlnarly

me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente

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@AnniemuMary

Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.

@theRealNotJonas

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My hands: holding anything messy.

My phone: *ring*

@0point5twins

In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.

@DillDoes

Being a worm must great. Its like “wow that dirt was great I hope there’s more” and there always is

@ruinedpicnic

Joe: $400? For ONE night?
Innkeeper: It’s the honeymoon suite.
[outside]
Joe: No rooms.
Mary: None?
Joe: Bummer, huh. That barn looks cosy?

@omically

saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert

@brunopieroni

Sorry 2015, but I just got out of a year-long relationship with 2014 and I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

@d_duhwit

Enviromentalists:”How can we stop the rising oceans
Me (understands displacement but not enviromentalism):”Pull all those big whales out.

@MikeDrucker

We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?

@GBRougecity

“What a nice doggie.”

“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”

“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”