@girlnarly

me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente

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@SergioValenCo

If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?

@daddydoubts

The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.

His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.

@russhigher

I just saw a cop pull over a U-Haul truck. I think he is trying to bust a move.

@KeyLimeShy

Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”

@GrantTanaka

If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx

@notalogin

The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.

@AllanForsyth

1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer

1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer

2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer

2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.

@3sunzzz

15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?

Me: grapes

15: Nice! We have grapes?!

Me: *sips wine* nope

@markydoodoo

IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.