Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.

I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.

To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.

Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?

Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time

70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”

Friends come and friends go.

Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.

And the ones that bring beer.

Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.

i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.

Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.

#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe

*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.

If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.

All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missing

You’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus

Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?

there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture

My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.

I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.

All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.

My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now

“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.

I look at her.

I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.

It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight

What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.

I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it

Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !

Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call

When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.

Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:

“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”

“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”

“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”

Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???

‘m developing a new fragrance for introverts

It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”

They should develop AI that can translate bird calls.
Call it ChatCheepyT