Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.

Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.

My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”

Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.

*steals all the clocks*

*has all the time in the world*

Jane Austen was probably going after someone she knew/hated when writing Lady Catherine de Bourgh and it’s so fun to imagine her friends reading it being like OMG GIRL NO YOU DIDNT 😂😂😂🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭

okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?

*a snake wearing one skinny jean*

If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.

girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.

My wife: am I beautiful?

Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat

Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.

Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.

When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on

[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.

My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”

I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in

Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much

Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-

Me: oh I would die for myself too

I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.

I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.

Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.

Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be

Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?

When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.

Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.

I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.

If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.

told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription

[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?

*Bites werewolf*

Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.

Werewolf: No!

Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.

If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.

Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.