Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.

Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.

I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded

-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)

I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.

[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.

CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-

My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.

Me: Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.

Also me: No, $9.11 does not count.

A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.

Onion rings.

What sounds do other vegetables make?

Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.

Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬

ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?

GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]

ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.

GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?

ME: Because I care.

Adultry does not sound fun at all

Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“

Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.

Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance

My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.

I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian

Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.

[about to invent toaster]

i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread

i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section

I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.

Me: What’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.

Barman: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Barman: £3.

Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.

My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again

[the first couples argument]

Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.

Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.

My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting

ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?

I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰