me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
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People who complain about parties must not like free food.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Obituaries should have clickbait titles
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Breaking news:
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WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.
Me: Sorry, I will be out of town
Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?
Me: I’m free June 10.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
😂🍻
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Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”