Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Bob is coming over for dinner.”

Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?

*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*

*gets served divorce papers during the reception*

best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”

I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.

(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky

them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg

me: try harder.

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT

DOG 911: He still holding it?

DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??

[anniversary text]

H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.

M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?

my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?

me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one

[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany

Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP

I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.

“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”

I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”

Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.

instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this

“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”

Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw

My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.

Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.

Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..

4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!

Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill

I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.

[Social Media Addiction Club]

Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.

*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.

<thud>

*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop

Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%

If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.

Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”

My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.

I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.