Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband is a keeper.

No, that’s not the word.

Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.

<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife

Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.

Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?

Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free

Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.

i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.

GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!

A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.

If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow

gas pump: see attendant

me: looks like i no longer need gas

Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism

Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*

Answers phone breathlessly

Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…

Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.

“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm

If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends

30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.

Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.

[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom

They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…

Will boys ever get pants right!?

I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer

“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”

-Me, breaking up a cat fight.

Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)

As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.

Missed Connection:

I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.

Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.

—What are we?

—Women!

—What do we want?

— We don’t know!

—When do we want it?

— Now!

Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.

I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you

Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news

I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.

He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.