Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.

I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.

Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.

[after dinner]

Mugger: gimme your wallet.

Me: can I keep my drivers license?

Mugger: fine.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.

Me: oh.

Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: you know what forget it.

People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.

Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities

Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?

“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”

Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.

Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.

I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.

That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.

[walking down the toilet paper aisle]

Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?

Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.

You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”

Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”

explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone

When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.

“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”

Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??

If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.

My phone just told me my network was unstable.

Same, girl. Same.

Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.

In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.

I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!

If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff

Donkey Kong sommelier

If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.

My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week

Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE

Darth Vader: I am your father

Odin: I am the all-father

God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit

Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break

Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.

Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.

People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it

Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥

Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you