Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”

What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.

[sees my pet ant crawl into the room where my wife and I are arguing] we can’t do this in front of her

watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment

Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!

the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child

my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s

my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/

Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned

And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.

Is it because I’m brown??

“Listen to your body”

My body: you’re 42, sit tf down

Me: I’m terrified of random letters

Therapist: You are?

Me: (Screams)

Therapist: I see

Me: (Scream intensifies)

just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit

She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.

My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,

and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.

Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.

Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”

Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”

Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”

“Let me make this very clear…”

– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant

Librarian: can I check you out?

Me: sure [spins around]

Librarian: I meant your book

Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense

I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.

If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms

Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.

[first day as a drug dealer]

Buyer: got any Morphine?

Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.

He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.

And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.

I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.

We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”

First Date RED FLAGS:

He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on

The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.

Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*

Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*

Him: What are you doing?

Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.

Him: Do you need help?

Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.

Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?

Me: Soooo doomed.

I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread