me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
You Might Also Like
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.