Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?

Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.

Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore

I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.

boss: can i see you in my office

me: [sheathing sword] why

Excel sheet: People hate me.

Fitted sheet: Join the club.

Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.

All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?

[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok

[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR

My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.

I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.

I need to know what happened here in 1620.

[mission]

CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?

ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work

CMDR: What? Let me see

ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink

*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore

*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*

Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.

Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot

ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough

*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*

ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!

ROBOT: [flies out of window]

ME: Why did I add a propeller

The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.

Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter

when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up

DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high

MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious

YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.

My coworker just told me this funny joke.

A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.

Job interview…

Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”

“That’s correct.”

“Would you like to elaborate?”

“No.”

The internet is full of many things

They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.

16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’

Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’

16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’

*steals all the clocks*

*has all the time in the world*