Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How we blocked people in the 90s 😄

If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.

Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.

Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.

ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?

A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.

Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.

Double negatives are never not confusing.

Sending in my taxes

As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!

Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod

Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order

Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.

Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.

This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.

Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?

Son: Yes of course

Me: It doesn’t look like it

Son: oh you mean this week?

Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no

ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life

ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS

“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it

I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.

“And I want video games and new shoes and….”

Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!

<gets on elevator >

Pushes all the buttons

Hugs everyone

Prays out loud that we’re not going to die

Gets off at the 2nd floor

Laughs

Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.

Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?

Trooper: State Police identify yourself

Me: Police identify yourself

Trooper: State Police

Me: Police

‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’

People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.

Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?

Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of bread

that’s my pug, you’re dating my pug

[Sahara desert]

Me: *shares canteen*

Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*

Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.