Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hell yeah 👍

Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.

When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.

That’s more my speed.

interviewer: can you work overtime?

me: *nodding* and space

For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”

drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”

My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP

ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats

MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty

Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.

you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”

My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.

Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.

Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.

Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.

If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.

My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job

May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*

[applies for name change]

June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*

[leaves the country]

talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does

After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!

Me: Can you bring back Prince?

Genie: I can’t bring people back.

Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?

Genie: Who was that dead guy again?

*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*

My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.

I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen

Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.

true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”

I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work

[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?

Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.

Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.

Me: You could stop cutting.

[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.

An odd boast