Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.

Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?

Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask

Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??

Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.

Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.

me: i have an imaginary gf

therapist: u can do better than that

me: i know, it’s just–

therapist: i was talking to her

My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood

I do it one time and now I need bail

My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.

Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.

So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.

Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely

Jellyfish 2: you should try dating

Jellyfish 1: idk maybe

Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you

Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?

Plastic bag:

I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.

ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone

Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.

Day 2 of being Kidnapped.

Kidnappers have now committed suicide.

I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1

Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.

Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.

tv: low volume

tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds

tv: low volume

tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds

[when I watch tv & eat chips]

A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.

Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.

My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.

Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!

[8 years later]

Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.

My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.

10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”

His answer: “My mom.”

ME: are those new shoes?

HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…

ME: *tearing up* yes?!?

HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how

I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.

9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi

Fixed this for Shakespeare

I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers

…until I’m driving.

I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.

Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.

Luke: OK.

Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.