Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.

My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor

With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now

It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?

I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.

I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.

Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.

So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.

My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.

How to handle a one night stand the next morning:

1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it

When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.

It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying

“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.

*embarrassing teenagers is easy.

The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.

EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon

*Creating bees*

God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.

Angel: Sure thing, boss.

God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time

I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.

If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.

I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.

When your man makes a valid point

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/CqHsN-YUkAAU2_J.mp4

I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.

When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.

A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.

Today’s Times

“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”

[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]

me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day

My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.

I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.

Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes

[1st date]

date: …you said you had abs

me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan

People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?