[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
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Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
When I laugh on my period
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?