Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.

Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.

At Walmart during the holidays like..

i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.

My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better

if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.

Black Mirror S05E01

January 20, 2021:

[fade in on TV set]

President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.

[cut to]

Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.

I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.

Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!

Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing

her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?

me: he’s my life coach

her: you wanna go to olive garden?

*duck whispers in my ear*

me: that’s a yes

I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.

[apocalypse]

Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly

Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world

Day 69: LOL 69

Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.

Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.

When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.

Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?

Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?

Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed

Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!

Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.

This took me a few seconds.. 😅

Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.

WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense

FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?

Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.

Announcer: Oh dear.

The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working

Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”

I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀

In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.

There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.

Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this

Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords