Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.

im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:

every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive

How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?

Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.

He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.

66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”

I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.

Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill

Oh your baby’s name is Walter?

Is he close to retirement?

Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.

I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.

I’m always ready for bed.

“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”

– How to put on glasses.

PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes

KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan

I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?

A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.

Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.

too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.

*first time fishing*

Me: Ok now what

Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth

Me: orkay nrow wrhat

I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.

i just found this in my phone

The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other

My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”

Me: Sure.

[BANG]

Me: it’s 4 35 pm.

Forgetting how to clean the dishes and shooting them with a gun

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce

GPS: Take the next right.

Me:

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…

Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine

[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]

It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”

[pulled over]

Cop: Have you been drinking?

Me: No

Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on

DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!

ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly

[later]

ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions