Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
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VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Florida be like…
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Watson was Holmes schooled
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.