Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”

Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.

I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”

Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks

LMFAOOOO

Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking

My true love: no don’t

Me: what? Why not?

My true love: just trust me

Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you think that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat

I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…

Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday

New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?

Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here

New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?

Me: I didn’t say things like that?

Her: Is my new concealer working?

Me: Who said that?

I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”

I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.

A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree

Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?

If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.

Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you

God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it

10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*

Me *sneezes*

My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF

do you like my signals
I mixed them myself

I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.

I call it the “escanow.”

her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it

[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow

You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?

I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.

I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.

[yelling over the music to club DJ]

ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES

I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?

Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐

* shows up with flowers

Wife: Are we going to the hospital?