Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
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[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.