Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”

let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth

retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?

The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.

My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.

Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*

A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”

Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place

While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy

I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes

The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.

Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!

You never get a second chance to make a first impression…

…and so I bite.

GF: Can I have some almonds?

Me: Sure I’m done with them.

GF: These are good!

Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.

If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?

My wife said I need to grow up.

I was speechless.

It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth

We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags

I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.

I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.

{The Mothburbs}

Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs

Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$

[furniture store]

Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.

Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!

Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad

I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”

Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.

JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-

ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor

LAWYERS: …….

JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you

You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.

Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.

Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard

Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?

What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?

A coconut on holiday!

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday