Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
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[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
“What are you going to wear today?”
Sunscreen and the weight of everyone else’s expectations.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
gm
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
I saw this ending much differently.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
🤯🤯🤯
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend