Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Person: *wearing cargo shorts*

Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.

Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.

Wonders if chickens do the funky people.

I’m not saying my 6yo is dramatic, I’m just saying we heard a severe thunderstorm warning on the car radio, and he groaned and said ugh why does my day keep getting worse

So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.

VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.

ME: I can’t run either.

George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.

I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER

“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”

self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign

flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane

me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!

*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.

Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

I SAID: How’s vacation going?

MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.

Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.

[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ａｌｗａｙｓ

Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate

[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.

*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel

friend: you watch anything good lately?

me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways

friend: who

me: William Wonka

I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha

COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.

[God inventing snakes]

What about a scarf that could kill you?

Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.

me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows

*gingerly taps banana*

If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.

My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….

I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.

I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.

If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.