Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours

My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.

Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.

Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside

– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars

That lamp looks PISSED.

If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me

Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.

I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.

wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”

Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store

Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.

Me: Okay. When will that be?

Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.

The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.

my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN

Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.

i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github

Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.

going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason

Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person

[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]

“Did you say single?”

Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?

NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.

Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.

When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.

*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*

Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!

Nobody victim blames more than my seven-year-old when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother

hi, how are you?

–yoda asking how high you are

Does beer think about me too?

HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK

HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK

HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK

HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK

HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES

HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING

OHHHHHHHH

They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.

I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.

My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.

If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.

If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist