Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7: mom look I got my math test back!

me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!

7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?

me: …like I said, said proud…

[death row]

prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?

me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years

I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.

“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”

therapist: what’s your earliest memory?

me: crying for my mom

therapist: so around what, five?

me: nine this morning

HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.

Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.

the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”

Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.

FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.

This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.

one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops

Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.

Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.

Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.

Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.

Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.

Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.

Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”

Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”

Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”

While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.

8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”

8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*

[ping pong]

ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time

Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.

Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed

Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.

Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed

starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes

shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!

LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.

DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?

Parole officer: Come in and take a seat

[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*

Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.