me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
You Might Also Like
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Playing Rugby is a great way to meet new people, Paramedic’s … Nurses,…Orthopedic Surgeons.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Final Destination: Holiday Edition.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW