Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.

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“Go ahead, caller….”

“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”

A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.

My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.

The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.

*seductively winces due to lower back pain

The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.

My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.

Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.

i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults

Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!

General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.

Maybe jesus needs me in his life

If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.

If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.

Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.

WebMD: In the morgue.

The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects

Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)

Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍

Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.

I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.

[interview]

So what’s a personal strength?

“Honesty.”

And a failing?

“I murder people who don’t hire me.”

If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.

Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.

Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.

There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.

“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015

Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.

I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.

My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.

At the International League of Assassins

Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?