Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
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the dark web is just a goth google.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
why would tinder want me to say this
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.