Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
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I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
was Jim off killing horses or…
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once