Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
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I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love!! They just opened up a cheesecake sample cart at Costco
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
*Creating a new social media app*
“It’s good but will it divide people? If not then what’s the point.”
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
This will never not be funny 😭
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.