Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
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Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.