Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.

I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.

ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”

NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON

Now colored!

My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.

It still works 🤷🏼‍♀️

Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.

Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?

…and send

If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…

Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.

i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok

Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*

This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.

[First Date]

Him: And, how did you get here?

Me: My parents had sex.

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version

Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.

Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.

When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.

The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”

The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”

Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.

I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.

[first day as Uber driver]

Me: any song requests?

Passenger: no thanks

Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?

I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.

Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach

Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now

My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.

I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese