Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.

We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.

*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn

I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?

*Scrolls TL*

Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!

*sips juicebox*

I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.

[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]

Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING

4 y/o: he died dad

Me: …

4 y/o: …

Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%

80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.

DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.

Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.

Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.

My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.

me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]

The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work

First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.

the word: Mildew

my brain: Mother In Law Dew

Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.

my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing

Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time

Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors

“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee

My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.

* Kindergarten*

Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]

[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read

Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.

The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.

Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.

If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.

they should create new variants of dopamine

Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*

Cashier: Do you have chickens?

date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”

*on my deathbed*

*groggy, dazed, & delirious*

Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?

Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?

Me: *pulls plug*