Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.

*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*

Me serving decaf

[after getting pulled over]

cop: are you registered

me: i don’t vote

cop: i meant the car

me: no it doesn’t vote either

Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.

‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’

*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*

“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”

The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.

WIFE: What are you doing?

ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?

ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.

Her: do you have protection?

MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes

I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely

we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow

That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.

Me: I want ice cr-

Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy

From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!

Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.

Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?

9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.

Me: ok..

9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma

Me: ok so

9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something

Me: I just want to sleep!

Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!

Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.

I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs

Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”

When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”

Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”

I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.

Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!

ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.

Absolutely no one:

The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD

How about I get 100% off by already being there

I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.

[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*

[driving]

ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.

Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely

Jellyfish 2: you should try dating

Jellyfish 1: idk maybe

Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you

Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?

Plastic bag: