Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.

COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?

PLAYER: 2020.

COACH: Correct. Who is the president?

PLAYER: I don’t know.

COACH: Also correct.

Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.

*doorbell rings, I open door*

Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?

Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?

Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?

[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water

Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?

Amazon: It’s 15% off.

Me: Well, in that case…

Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.

Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild

Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.

My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.

I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am

THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK

“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”

WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM

(wine tasting)

WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!

You’re likely of an age where, in previous centuries, you would be the village elder, dispensing advice and wisdom.

*reads your timeline*

Or maybe not

I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario

[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]

“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”

Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?

horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!

date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex

[later]

me: *yelling* avada kedavra

I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”

To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.

There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.

Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.

only three people know my grandma’s secret tuna casserole recipe & two of them have been missing since 1957

HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?

Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?

Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims

my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting

“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.

“dom or sub?”

subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion

Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.