Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
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my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
I’ve been drinking.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?