Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign

I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.

Sorry, Ghostbusters.

At best, I might email or text you.

I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.

[Record Shop]

Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?

Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.

Cashier: “Have a great day!”

Me: “No thank you.”

Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?

Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…

My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will

Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?

getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house

As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds

Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues

Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.

People on Twitter: Hold my beer.

i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard

Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.

Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.

Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?

If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?

Person: Do you have a license for that thing?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked years ago.

spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something

Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper

Them: Can I ask you a personal question?

Me: *bursts into flames*

Bros before Ohioes

If not now, then when? If not you, then who?

— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it

I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven

Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.