Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.

must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*

Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though

Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?

I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”

As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.

*a plane missed the runway

therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?

me: *deep breath*

therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up

me: *slow exhale*

I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head

Win some, lose some

I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.

Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?

Me: Earth 😐

#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬

genie: wishes should be limited

monkeys paw: and come with consequences

shooting star: don’t forget rare

birthday candle: yeah and secret

dandelion: ok you guys need to relax

imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit

[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots

From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”

Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar

Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.

ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.

my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie

I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka

him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7

me: before rush hour, smart move

*Giving TED talk*

Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!

*he does and a mousetrap snaps*

Me: trust no one

*audience claps*

Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?

Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish

Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT

Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?

I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place

VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!

ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.

A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.

If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.

My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week