Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a director]

me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup

In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money

Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit

Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one

[Ocean’s 14]

Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine

“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”

Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw

Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.

Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.

Wild horses could easily drag me away.

Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.

A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.

Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.

My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.

Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….

MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!

PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…

If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.

Made my day..

I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs

Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.

Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.

A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.

Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.

So Disappointed.

If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.

You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel

4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or

[spreading rumors]

me: R
O
R
U M
S

I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?

Cop: My informant told me where the killer is

Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?

Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that

My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge

Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.

My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭

If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste

[watching the Lord of the Rings]

Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?

Wife: Sauron’s Wife.

Me: but he’s not married lol.

Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?

Me:

Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.

there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job