Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show

An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.

Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.

Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.

Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!

DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”

ME: “I understand.”

DOCTOR: “Exactly.”

A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty

The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.

When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.

I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.

did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment

thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres

employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao

I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays

It will be called Side Chick.

“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now

If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,

where would you hide it?

Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfish

Fin

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving

me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?

WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim

WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job

Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.

When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”

We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.

[working late]

ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.

CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.

ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.

the rocks need my help

How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?

Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:

Dearly Beloved

I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents

Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.

God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.

*my husband

Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”