@Torgo_phylum

Me: Tonight we dine like kings!

*checks wallet*

Me: Like burger kings!

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@aotakeo

I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations

@Greg_1_Leg

Always be yourself.

Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!

@AnnaKendrick47

My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.

@bazecraze

If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.

@stu_bot3000

My favourite species of birds are the ones named by people who clearly hate birds. (thread)

@CynicalTherapi1

Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.

Not one.

@thetits

[texting]

ME: I like you, I think you’re cute

MY CRUSH: oh um

ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that

@realfunghi

You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”

Including classics such as:

– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!

And the chart topping hit:

– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!

@PleaseBeGneiss

[interview at bank]

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber

Interviewer: what

Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?