@Torgo_phylum

Me: Tonight we dine like kings!

*checks wallet*

Me: Like burger kings!

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@CornOnTheGoblin

[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted

@NervousJr

Don’t feel like going to the gym?

Go to all your ex’s facebook pages and see who they’re dating now.

Then go to the gym.

@1Badasspoolboy

How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.

@ArfMeasures

Netflix: Watch it again

Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days

Netflix: Watch it again

Me: ok

@suumbal

him: I like bad girls

me: [eating banana with peel on] I’m listening.

@iGreenMonk

I watch birds sometimes and wonder, “If I could fly, whose car would I crap on?”

@KrazykurtKurt

I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.

@House_Feminist

My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me