Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
You Might Also Like
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard