Me: Tonight we dine like kings!

*checks wallet*

Me: Like burger kings!

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I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations


Always be yourself.

Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!


My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.


If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.


My favourite species of birds are the ones named by people who clearly hate birds. (thread)


Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.

Not one.



ME: I like you, I think you’re cute

MY CRUSH: oh um

ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that


You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”

Including classics such as:

– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!

And the chart topping hit:

– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!


[interview at bank]

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber

Interviewer: what

Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?