Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes

Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.

“How do you find anything in here?!”

-my mugger, giving my purse back

me: *competes in gymnastics*

official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”

my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”

I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date

waiter: do you have any allergies?

me: latex

waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat

me: airplanes

[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party

How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot

Sometimes I’m right.

Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.

“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]

All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.

Me: I wish my toilet was sentient

Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three

You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….

And it’s 8:25 p.m.

HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here

“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was

Me: I lost 3 pounds!

Domino’s: I found them for you.

Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.

Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.

Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.

If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.

met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER

I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.

– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.

If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.

I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”

[approaches parent with child on a leash]

“Mind if I pet your dog?”

Hey that’s my son!

“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”

I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.

[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”

i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults