Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.

Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.

Really bad spell of wether.

Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going

The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see

“Duck…”

“Duck…”

“Duck…”

“Duck…”

“Duck…”

“Duck…”

“Duck…”

“MOOSE!!!”

“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”

the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)

My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.

When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.

[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*

I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.

Dead animal names:

A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon

Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes

Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes

“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja

Can i borrow your truck?

Me: no problem just read the dashboard

I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣

One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.

The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.

Do one person every day that scares you.

Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes

Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?

Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?

Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?

Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!

Me: can you come in here a second?

Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?

Me: not for you

8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.

[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people

Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.

People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?

[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden

Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.

So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?

The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die

[Patient room]

ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell