Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.

what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything

When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?

My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.

2 years later

A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.

My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.

[job interview]

Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”

Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”

Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”

Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?

Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”

sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book

The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)

Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.

Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.

We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining

moms in horror movies

me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those

doctor: are u sexually active

me: no i just sort of lay there

I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.

Some cool things about NYC are that it’s the nation’s largest city, an international cultural and economic hub, and right now there are about 8 people left running it

Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?

Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?

Stock market update:

Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok

Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.

JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.

ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.

Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.

HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.

“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”

Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.

I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.