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ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasn’t in its cage and he told me he didn’t know but it’s somewhere around the house. 😭 I left immediately.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
No flush
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country