Me too 😆
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Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
No one:
London landlords:
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins