Me too 😆
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I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Text messages from my mum read like they are from a hit man.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.