Me too 😆
You Might Also Like
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Which knight can find anything?
Sir Chengine.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Note to self: just because it’s in the map app’s directions doesn’t mean the road is paved.
Dates are weird like ok I guess I’ll dress up for my romantic interview
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.