Me too 😆
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I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Birds & Planes.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
We watched Flight of the Navigator and my son asked if I had seen it before. I told him I saw it in the theater when it came out. “SERIOUSLY?!?” he asked. I said “yeah…why are you shocked?” and he goes, “Oh, sorry, I just never know what kind of technology y’all had back then.”
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Person: Home decor is a niche market.
Me: Baked flan with a savory filling thickened with eggs is a quiche market.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
It’s pretty embarrassing how all these guys keep falling for this cute bartender’s flirting, when it’s obvious she’s totally into me.