Me too, bag. Me too….
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The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.