Me too, bag. Me too….
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As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Danger is very dangerous
