Me too door. Me too.
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[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Once again I find myself asking “How long can I stay in the bathroom before one of my employees realizes I’m gone?”
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.