me, too, girl. me, too.
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Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
My dad is describing in great detail how he would kill the grinch while My mom is cooking breakfast for sixteen people.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys