me, too, girl. me, too.
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Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
This global outage sounds like I’m finally getting the y2k bug I was promised as a child
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.