me, too, girl. me, too.
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Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
RT if you could go either way.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties
Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
welp
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.