me, too, girl. me, too.
You Might Also Like
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Godspeed, John Glenn
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
me: hi do you take walk ins?
funeral parlor director: what?
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.