Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
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I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
This rocks
