Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
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Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Succession: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power
Game of Thrones: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power
Reality: powerful people are just as d- they know everything, EVERYTHING, and they control it all i swe
*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes