Me too 😆
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Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
I wonder if any student will ever top this email.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
“I FIXED IT!”
