Me too 😆
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Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old