me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
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Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
I’m awake but I object,
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Great Canadian literature.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.