me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
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Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
love it when they get my name right
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.
*my husband
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
me: did you have fun on your playdate?
my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
