The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
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May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Harsh but fair
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”