Me: [totally dry monotone voice] I’m gonna get my mojo back

Mojo: still no

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[job interview]

“We feel that you just aren’t quite mature enough for the position.”

It’s the Velcro shoes, isn’t it.



I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.


I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.


“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”

-an obituary


I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.


Me: When the edibles kick in

Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif

Me: Exactly