@sonictyrant

Me: [totally dry monotone voice] I’m gonna get my mojo back

Mojo: still no

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@imadepoopstoday

[job interview]

“We feel that you just aren’t quite mature enough for the position.”

It’s the Velcro shoes, isn’t it.

“…yes.”

@LeahBonnema

I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.

@ConanOBrien

I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.

@MichaelTrying

“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”

-an obituary

@ItsAndyRyan

I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.

@DrakeGatsby

Me: When the edibles kick in

Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif

Me: Exactly