Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to

My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.

When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.

You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.

Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…

Beaver 2: dam

[Jeopardy]

Disease for $500 Alex

“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”

What’s better than catching a man cold?

“Correct!”

doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news

me: oh god

doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared

Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.

it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking

To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.

“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything

today my son asked me if other animals date too and i honestly never thought about that. imagine dating an avoidant bird? every argument, they’d just… fly away.

CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?

ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!

DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?

if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.

*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No

My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time

It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.

Netflix: we added a show you might like

Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like

Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer

Me: go on

Netflix: who fall in love

Me: that sounds ok

Netflix: starring Paul Rudd

Me: *calls in sick*

Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.

Going into Monday like

After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.

ME: *gets down on one knee*

HER: omg

ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome

ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.

ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery

Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.

My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.

never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing

I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.