Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
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ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…