Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing

The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.

Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.

When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”

me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home

wife: what happened to you?

me: I met a celebrity this morning

wife: and….

[earlier at the car wash]

optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?

I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.

[on Ferris wheel]

ME: This is going great.

MY DATE: This is so weird.

UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.

My neighbors look so happy.

We can fix that.

WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis

“Why, did he buy a new car?”

WIFE: not yet

[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]

Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.

My life in a nutshell

AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.

asking my bank if i can do extra credit

Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway

I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.

[doctor hooking wires to my chest]

ME: What are you doing?

DOC: Echocardiogram

ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test

skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up

My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.

Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.

Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-

Him: Stop singing to the mustard

Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.

At my funeral take the bouquet off my casket and throw it in the crowd to see who next

What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?

TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5

I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.

I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.

Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”

I’ll eat when I’m dead

– zombies

When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”

I yelled back 5309.

No one laughed.

I am old.

3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap

Me: That’s fine, take a nap

3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning

Me: Great!

3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!

Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!