Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
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I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…