Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *destroys spider web

Spider: wow

Me: *puts up fake spider web

Spider: WOW

axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable

All summer long: Kids are healthy.

5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.

If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?

*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”

If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.

[holds out handful of sliced cheese]

pick a card

dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you

me: *immediately tases myself*

The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)

A guy just commented on how classy I am

So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”

Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.

Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.

My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..

Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!

*pulls up at the vet’s*

Dog: hey, wait a minute…

If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.

I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.

One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.

Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.

A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”

Save a reindeer.

Ride a Canadian.

Husband: why do most guys have a foot fetish?
Me: because their first girlfriend was a sock

Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!

Job interviewer:…and a weakness?

Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.

“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”

Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”

me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’

was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught

The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.

ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.