Me: [touching grass]
Grass: ok first of all, no.
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To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
My Brain: HERE IS THAT NAME YOU ASKED FOR 6 HOURS AGO
me: dating is hard
me on a date: future archaeologist will dig up disney world and assume it’s a temple of mouse worship
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35