me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
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nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Netflix and awkward silence?
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.