me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
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Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
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Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
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Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
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Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Me, reading some of your tweets
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“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?