Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Evil never sleeps

Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT

The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke

Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money

In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.

A Hallmark movie where their hands meet inside the turkey

Bartender: What can I get you?

Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?

Bartender:

Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?

Bartender:

Me: Beer.

You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”

Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”

On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.

Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.

Here
Here
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-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.

the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air

me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)

me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)

If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send

Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?

passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop

Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?

Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.

What the dentist sees

I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”

GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points

[my first day at Marvel Comics]

Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!

Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!

Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.

After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire

Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?

Them: You seem nice.

Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.

10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.

Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.

Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?

GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”

GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”

The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before

me: how can I impress my date

friend: take her to your favorite food place

me: ok

[later]
her: that’s was really nice

my mom: you’re welcome