Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?

Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget

*Husband forgets to close screen on door*

*4 hrs later*

Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*

Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…

Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie

There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.

Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.

That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*

model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”

me:

model UN: also you can only be countries that exist

me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN

sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes

We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”

It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…

Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.

One hour later she was dead.

So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.

Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.

Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.

Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.

You are what you eat? Well… I’d rather be a donut than a salad.

ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.

THERAPIST: That’s horrible.

ME: Yeah.

THERAPIST:

ME:

THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?

if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk

The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture

“What a nice doggie.”

“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”

“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”

My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.

For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.

To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.

A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.

My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.

School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”

I am embarrassed for myself.

I am thick and tired. 🙄

Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders

The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.

Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]