ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
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Can you solve the riddle??
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”
-Me, as a therapist.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that