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[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?