I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
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“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Catercrombie & Fish