Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
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I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.