Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports

*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*

Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.

COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem

Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun

Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.

Body: ok sleepy time.

Brain: ok thinky time.

WAITER: whaddaya have?

DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat

TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm

Me: I should sleep.

Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.

[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”

GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?

ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?

HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.

the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say

The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate

let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard

job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?

me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead

My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.

There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.

My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.

I asked him how he was coping.

He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.

I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless

My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.

I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.

A choir of Spring onions

NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.

hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?

Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly

This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.

Boom! Zing! This is free content!

During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.

My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.