Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.

Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.

Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital

Me: That would be great, we really need the beds

I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spirit

seeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power

I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me

If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”

TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better

oh shit

My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.

KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when

[several hours later]

KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when

[jumps in Uber]

ME: HURRY I’M LATE

UBER: [starts driving]

ME: PULL OVER HERE

[jumps out, pets dog]

ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO

WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.

*3 years later*

Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.

My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*

My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.

Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.

MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this

FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*

Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.

I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.

I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.

I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is serendipity.

me: can you use it in a sentence.

judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.

“Bro I hate my eyebrows”

“You serious bro?”

“I think they’re too big, bro”

“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”

“Bro :’)”

Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?

Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.

Wife: okay no.

Me: Why are you digging in your ear?

3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!

Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try

My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.

Um how about you continue to live here?

Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows

People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.

Suuuuure

if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers