Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.

Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.

*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”

Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.

Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go

if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship

He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?

She: Roger

He: Does he bite?

She: No

He: How does he eat then?

“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”

-Marilyn Monroe

Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.

Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?

Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.

Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.

“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version

If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣

[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal

Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again

him: you’re not like other girls

me, at the urinal next to him: how

THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:

– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever

– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken

– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order

You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.

The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.

Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?

Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.

stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”

Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.

Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?

Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies

[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty

Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.

White t-shirt: lol same.

You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.

The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex

*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”