@sir_shithead_I

Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.

You Might Also Like

@SamGrittner

You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?

@darinlovesbacon

I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast

@SCbchbum

One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.

@figgled

Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off

@jus4golf

Helping a few people complete their bucket list so they will just die already.

@RobElliottComic

Say “Literally” and “Legit” a few more times in that sentence so I know it’s literally legit

@mommajessiec

They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.

@3sunzzz

If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.

I am so sorry.

@KaysNH

This could be the beginning of a beautiful restraining order.