@sir_shithead_I

Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.

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@Dustinkcouch

When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.

@davidkenny100

Pal: my advice for your date is, make her think you’re well travelled, girls love it!

Later
Me: Guess how many buses it took me to get here

@UncleDuke1969

[broken down by the side of the road]

ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.

@StarWarsProblms

Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.

Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.

*implements margarita Tuesdays*

@awkwardphilippe

ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass

HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?

@CArmanthegirl

Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things

@SardonicTart

“Well I guess I better get ready for work”

*gets out of bed*

“Ok I’m ready”

@portmanteauface

I was starting to get nervous until I got this letter offering to let me extend the warranty on a car I sold in 2006

@SwedishCanary

At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.

@stizod

When it comes to telling a joke, opportunity Knock Knocks. #jokes