When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
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Pal: my advice for your date is, make her think you’re well travelled, girls love it!
Me: Guess how many buses it took me to get here
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
I was starting to get nervous until I got this letter offering to let me extend the warranty on a car I sold in 2006
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
When it comes to telling a joke, opportunity Knock Knocks. #jokes